Attleborough Have Your Say

[muttley]

PCSOs Christmas Eve

'Twas the night before Christmas and all round the town
Nothing was stirring it had all been locked down
Folks were a bed and children were snoring
Dreaming of Santa and gifts in the morning

But trudging the streets in the dark of the night
Was a PCSO with a face such a fright
For he'd targets to meet and his bonus in doubt
He had tickets to issue and no-one about.

But what should he see descend from the sky
But a sleigh and a fat jolly red-suited guy
Who climbed down from the sleigh and hoisted his sack
Then suddenly felt a great tap on his back

"I saw no lights when you came down to land"
Said the man in the cap with a book in his hand
"It's a £50 fine" and tore a page from his book
And handed it over for Santa to look.

"But I've done this for years, since before you were born",
In the blink of an eye another ticket was torn
"What's this" said Santa trying to make sense.
"It's £100 fine for a repeat offence"

"Show me your license for this flying zoo
MOT, insurance and your log book too"
Santa was aghast and was looking forlorn
From the pretend cop's book further tickets were torn.

He strode round the sleigh to look for a fault
And got Rudolph antler's in a rectal assault
He gave Santa a ticket in pain and in shock
For the use of a horn after 11 o'clock.

"Where are you from and what's in the sack?"
Said the man in a tone that made Santa step back
"With presents for all from the North Pole I flew"
"So, Illegal immigrant and a smuggler too?"

Santa staggered a bit for his sack was quite heavy
PCSO sniffed loud. "Have you been on the bevy?"
"The odd sherry or wine as I dash to and fro"
As PCSO pulled something out and said "Blow"

The machine went beep and the man's grin grew large
"You are over the limit; a serious charge
Drinking and flying simply don't mix.
Oh dear, my fat friend you're in quite a fix."

"But they leave me a drink when I sneak in their home"
With a triumphal cry the man pulled out a phone
And demanded a van in a voice oh so strict
"House breaking's illegal old chum you are nicked".

"But I must see to the kiddies or they'll be distraught
Who'll see to their needs if Santa is caught?
You see, I leave them a gift 'fore I sneak out their room."
"Bribing children with gifts is an attempt to groom."

"Pervert" he cried at the man with the red hat on
And clubbed his head twice with his side-handled baton
Santa dropped like a stone, a man barely alive
And was tasered three times until a witness arrived.

Twas the night before Christmas, PCSO was in bed
Visions of bonuses danced through his head
His targets are met, a promotion to collect
Not a single thought that Christmas was wrecked

The reindeer put down and Santa away
And children in tears for the whole Christmas day.
But he was quite happy, he thought it quite funny
Only 4 months to go 'til he nicks the Easter Bunny.

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